Hey, feeling all right lately. Surprising how stress can just slough off you when you don't look at the problems until they get there. I was a tad giddy yesterday, but I think that's a good sign.

Today's blog is going to be just a little odd. I'm having a bit of freak out, and need to ramble. I don't want to leave it on my computer, but it isn't a big secret either, so I settled for blog writing. It won't make much sense to the average reader. It's personal. So you might just want to skip it.

Raves

What got me was this dream. It's not unusual for me to dream in TV. Happens all the time. I see movie stars in my head and we pal around all the time. I've fought beside Xena, flown into space on Voyager, and been in the cast of Friends. I know, it's odd. But, as with most dreams, they are simply symbols your brain uses to tell you something else, not really the real people. And sometimes, a dream is just a dream.

Last night I dreamed in 'Buffy'. To be specific, I was madly in love with Spike, Spike was in love with Buffy, and some other chick was mad for Buffy, too. (I don't think it was Willow, but it was a lesbian, so who can really say.) Anyhow...some bad nasty bunch of guys was taking over this country club where there was this big wedding (I don't know whose off-hand). They were making us do some kind of construction.

Now, while the dream itself had elements of the bizarre (at one point I was literally dreaming in comic-book, now that was strange!) it still was within my realm of normal limits. Except for one element...Spike himself. I don't like Spike, really. He's too thin, too white-haired, too punk-rock, too lanky. I mean, he's all right as guy's go, he's not a freak or anything strange, but he doesn't really 'do' it for me as far as TV stars go. Heck, I don't even know his real life name. TV obsession dudes, I at least know their name. (Ah, Tom. Ah, David. Ah, Garrett. You know who you are.) Spike is more my Anglophile friend's drool spot. So, I found it unusual enough to ask questions about. Why would I dream I loved Spike?

Well, the answer was easy and simple and took about ten seconds to reach. Shaun.

That one word sums up about everything. He's tall, lanky, thin, unattractive at first glance, but a beautiful person inside (if you get far enough), and most importantly, I'll never see him again. Ever.

Now, I'm sure you can't see how I got there. I mean, there are physical similiarities I hadn't noticed before. Not in detail, but around the edges. Like you were looking at Spike's outline, not his form. It's probably close enough for my sub-conscious, anyhow.

Beyond the physical was the situation. And here's the real personal wierd crap: I miss Shaun. Rather badly. It's like not being allowed to see your favorite stuffed animal anymore. The one you hugged to death during your worst times, the one you played with and laughed with, the one you told all your secrets too. Shaun's the human I was addicted to and had to give up.

Oh, not by my choice, I assure you. I have an insane need to be friends with everyone. I knew every man I'd ever slept with until around 1987 when I finally lost track of almost all of them at once. But I was married in '88, so it all worked out. I don't miss any of them. I think of them every once in a while, but only superficially.

But Shaun. The story is long, drawn out, endless and ends badly. But it DOES have an ending. And I hope it stays that way, no offense to anyone. I don't want to see him, I don't want to talk to him, I don't want to know anything going on in his life, nothing. And yet, the opposite of all that is true too. I want to know where he is, how he's doing, how his family is, everything.

I quit smoking in February. I haven't really, honestly, wanted a ciggerette more than two or three times since, and that was only because of the insane stress I was having at the time. I haven't seen, heard from, heard about, talked to or anything else with Shaun for at least 5 years, and every month I have this ridiculous NEED for him. It's insane.

To make a really long story suddenly short, I think Spike represented Shaun. It set me off down the path of addiction, not unusual, but frustrating. Like smoking, it's nice to think about, but I'm not going back.

But dreams like that don't help. ;)

Deo

Happy New Year! Welcome to 2002!

First off today, the important business of owning up to those resolutions. By announcing them, I hope to keep them a lot better than I did last year. So, here they are.

1. Write a chapter a month. Can be any novel, long as it's a novel already begun. ("Creation Stone" in any one of it's four incarnations (gah), including Bron, Ronic & Shad, or Calen & Sosey. Pak and Kiana, the Bloodletter Training, untitled. Nan and Corey, witches zipping from realm to realm, untitled.)

2. Attend the Sunday writing brunch things every week, and do the exercises. Not just attend and pretend to write something, but write something. It's good practice, a good jump start, and a nice way to lock myself down.

3. Clean. I know what it means. *flys off*

And that's it. I figure I can keep those.

Today's Rants

Still didn't get off that mailing list. Yahoo! sent me an error message. It said I wasn't on the list for that, which I knew. So, I have to start over there again. Like I said before, it'll be July when I'm off that idiot mailing group.

You want some fun? Lose your voice for 3 days. Whispers allowed, but only at the price of a coughing fit and a sore throat. It was EVIL. This is what I get for dis'in' my mama the other day. LOL...she couldn't talk, and then she gave it to me just to get even. Try going to the store when you can't speak above a whisper. It's quite the challenge. And if you think that sounds fun, try diciplining 2 young boys. All they can do is laugh at you. LOL

Zigire is still annoyingly down. I read enough of the hopelessly pointless forum to know the game is frozen in time, so I'm not losing status or gaining a million points. But I did forget all the great song titles I had thought up. I hope I wrote them down somewhere around here. Not that I can find a single thing on this desk. But you never know.

Today's Raves

I downloaded this great internet radio software. The stations are great, with wide music selections. I've been listening for 5 hrs and haven't yet heard the same song. There are no ads or commercial breaks either. Just wads of music. There are TONS of different kinds of music to choose from. So, I highly recommend it. Try Radio Free Virgin yourself. Nothing to buy, just a download and a lot of great music.

Deo