Hey, feeling all right lately. Surprising how stress can just slough off you when you don't look at the problems until they get there. I was a tad giddy yesterday, but I think that's a good sign.

Today's blog is going to be just a little odd. I'm having a bit of freak out, and need to ramble. I don't want to leave it on my computer, but it isn't a big secret either, so I settled for blog writing. It won't make much sense to the average reader. It's personal. So you might just want to skip it.

Raves

What got me was this dream. It's not unusual for me to dream in TV. Happens all the time. I see movie stars in my head and we pal around all the time. I've fought beside Xena, flown into space on Voyager, and been in the cast of Friends. I know, it's odd. But, as with most dreams, they are simply symbols your brain uses to tell you something else, not really the real people. And sometimes, a dream is just a dream.

Last night I dreamed in 'Buffy'. To be specific, I was madly in love with Spike, Spike was in love with Buffy, and some other chick was mad for Buffy, too. (I don't think it was Willow, but it was a lesbian, so who can really say.) Anyhow...some bad nasty bunch of guys was taking over this country club where there was this big wedding (I don't know whose off-hand). They were making us do some kind of construction.

Now, while the dream itself had elements of the bizarre (at one point I was literally dreaming in comic-book, now that was strange!) it still was within my realm of normal limits. Except for one element...Spike himself. I don't like Spike, really. He's too thin, too white-haired, too punk-rock, too lanky. I mean, he's all right as guy's go, he's not a freak or anything strange, but he doesn't really 'do' it for me as far as TV stars go. Heck, I don't even know his real life name. TV obsession dudes, I at least know their name. (Ah, Tom. Ah, David. Ah, Garrett. You know who you are.) Spike is more my Anglophile friend's drool spot. So, I found it unusual enough to ask questions about. Why would I dream I loved Spike?

Well, the answer was easy and simple and took about ten seconds to reach. Shaun.

That one word sums up about everything. He's tall, lanky, thin, unattractive at first glance, but a beautiful person inside (if you get far enough), and most importantly, I'll never see him again. Ever.

Now, I'm sure you can't see how I got there. I mean, there are physical similiarities I hadn't noticed before. Not in detail, but around the edges. Like you were looking at Spike's outline, not his form. It's probably close enough for my sub-conscious, anyhow.

Beyond the physical was the situation. And here's the real personal wierd crap: I miss Shaun. Rather badly. It's like not being allowed to see your favorite stuffed animal anymore. The one you hugged to death during your worst times, the one you played with and laughed with, the one you told all your secrets too. Shaun's the human I was addicted to and had to give up.

Oh, not by my choice, I assure you. I have an insane need to be friends with everyone. I knew every man I'd ever slept with until around 1987 when I finally lost track of almost all of them at once. But I was married in '88, so it all worked out. I don't miss any of them. I think of them every once in a while, but only superficially.

But Shaun. The story is long, drawn out, endless and ends badly. But it DOES have an ending. And I hope it stays that way, no offense to anyone. I don't want to see him, I don't want to talk to him, I don't want to know anything going on in his life, nothing. And yet, the opposite of all that is true too. I want to know where he is, how he's doing, how his family is, everything.

I quit smoking in February. I haven't really, honestly, wanted a ciggerette more than two or three times since, and that was only because of the insane stress I was having at the time. I haven't seen, heard from, heard about, talked to or anything else with Shaun for at least 5 years, and every month I have this ridiculous NEED for him. It's insane.

To make a really long story suddenly short, I think Spike represented Shaun. It set me off down the path of addiction, not unusual, but frustrating. Like smoking, it's nice to think about, but I'm not going back.

But dreams like that don't help. ;)

Deo